Sunday, May 30, 2010

An Open Letter

Before I go any further, I need to state openly how sorry I am to have been a burden over the past few months. I hope in some small way, this letter will go towards repairing any rifts that I may have created. I am the type of person that feels the need to talk out my feelings rather than just let them lie. These things need to be said and if you think that they're being said to you, then they probably are.

When I left Savannah I was leaving things behind that I didn't want to face. I didn't want to face the prospect of trying to balance paying at best, half of a seriously high rent, on top of facing down the prospect of not being able to afford my bills. I also didn't like the idea of running into my ex-wife around town. As a city, I loved Savannah, and it was my home for so long, that to this day I still miss it and compare any new place to it. I hate that I left a few really good friends behind, since they were there for me as I prepared for the beginning of probably the worst one year period of my life. If I didn't say it before, I'm saying it now, thank you.

I went from Savannah to Orlando, where I had the most friends, and it seemed like the most promise. Unfortunately, that was not to be the case. It took nearly a month to get any employment at all, and it was only part time and at what was almost minimum wage. I had to replace my car and with help from my parents, was able to go a little way towards keeping me in Orlando. Unfortunately, every time a full time job looked promising, it fell through. Additional part time jobs even fell away. Every month it seemed I was depending more and more on my parents, whose support from three states away could only go so far. I tried very, very hard to make Orlando work, but my credit ran out, my money ran out and my safety net couldn't go any farther. I could have gone another month like this, but without full time employment at a decent salary, I would have to leave Orlando, and after another month of helping to support me, I wouldn't have the money to move, and the next month would be without any assistance, not by ultimatum, but because the money simply wouldn't have been there.

Likewise, it was a hard decision to leave another city. I had fallen in love with Orlando, and had made new friends. My friends there were great, but I didn't burden them with many of the details of my predicament, or what it was doing to me, emotionally. If there had been any way to stay in Orlando, I would have taken it. I find myself moving back to the town I had spent the first part of my adult life to leave behind.

I did make a few mistakes in the month after returning to North Carolina. I rushed into a relationship that I was ill-prepared for. I underestimated the side effects of letting prescriptions lapse. I treated old friends in a manner that was not consistent with what they deserved. For a few weeks, I spent almost every day at the nadir of emotional health. I really worried about where I would be over the course of a few days. There were some bright spots in this part, and that was the start of a new, full-time job. The start was delayed a little by a wait for enough new employees to start a proper training class.

So now I am working full time, preparing to enter a new phase of my job, and getting paid enough to meet some of my obligations. There are still some difficult steps to make, but with some stress off of me, I think I can handle it. Lenoir and I have come to an understanding, because of a good local music scene that presents some nice, cheap entertainment at least once a week. I also recently met someone who looked at Lenoir differently than everyone else I'd known, through new eyes, seeing all the nice, charming efforts to make downtown Lenoir a nice place to live. With the added benefit of free WiFi, downtown Lenoir and I have an understanding, I may not love it, but I can live with it for as long as I need to.

Again, I apologize for making demands on friendship. I was not in my right mind, and not making rational decisions. I was reacting to situations in a way that was not the way I should act, nor would act if I were in my right mind, without all the stresses that I was under. I'm ready to start fresh and move on. I hope you can forgive me so we can move on. If you need me, you know where to find me.

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